Fear

Hello Everyone,

Sorry for the lack of a post last week, I was traveling and felt my time was better spent elsewhere.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about something that has been bothering me recently: procrastination. Now, don't get me wrong, I've always procrastinated and I think everyone to some extent procrastinates. But this week has been especially bad.

And I think I'm feeling this way because I'm scared of something: feeling bored, incapable, or like I will not accomplish my goals. It's an interesting problem to think about.

I've also noticed that I often feel more unproductive when unsure about how well I'll do in something: when I feel like I have to take risks, I'm taking new classes, or I'm doing something I haven't done in a while. I think I've lost a little of the little kid feeling of invincibility I once had.

It's almost like I'd rather sit and play games, soothe myself, and mess around than find out whether I can reach my "full potential" or show people my capabilities.

So, I think it all begs the question: how do I get out of what I'm feeling? How can I (and also you guys) feel more capable, and in turn, more empowered to work on what we need to work on?

Like, I want to translate my pragmatic feeling that I'm capable into a core belief that I'm capable. Deep down I need to feel like I can do anything even when I look at something and I'm completely clueless.

I think a big part of this transition will be more practice. It's part of the reason I'm writing this blog right now - practicing my writing in a stream-of-consciousness style that will help me write more and become more comfortable just writing bullshit and revising later.

I need to refine my thinking around risk, transitioning from "everything needs to be perfect" to "f*** it we ball, I can always fix it later."

In addition, I probably need to start focusing on my life as a whole, because I think it's hard to feel confident when you feel physically weak, out of shape, etc.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for this week (and kind of a mini check-in on my New Year's Theme/Resolution). I hope that over the next few weeks, I can continue taking risks and become more comfortable with things outside my comfort zone.

In addition, I'd like to reclaim some of that feeling of capability and strength I've lost internally, and I hope you guys can do the same.

See you next week,

-Ethan